FFVII…Snowboarding? Seriously Square…Stop.

Alright, so it appears as though Square is once again milking the Final Fantasy VII game to death…again…and this time it’s in the form of Final Fantasy VII Snowboarding. Now before I go any further, I must state again how much of a disappointment FFVII was when it came out. The game has not aged well over time and has most certainly not gotten any better. The only parts of the game that were neat was the soundtrack, the character designs and the pre-rendered visuals. The storyline and character themselves however sucked.

Now what’s weird about this release (which is exclusively for cellphones in Japan) is that Square literally picked the dumbest part of FFVII (the ridiculous snowboarding mini-game) and decided to turn it into its own separate title. I could understand if they wanted to do the Chocobo mini-game because that was actually sort of fun. But the lame snowboarding sequence featuring a super deformed Cloud, balloons and snowmen? Yeah – that really made sense in a game where the world was about to die.

Also, why has Square all but ignored every other FF game they’ve done already (with the exception FFX/FFX-2)? I mean, I’d be all for a new chapter in the Final Fantasy III/VI story or even FFVIII (an oft-ignored title). Then again, Square’s efforts in trying to flesh out the FFVII world have been pretty mediocre across the board so maybe it’s a good thing. :(

So listen up Square…STOP. Just…STOP. FFVII was a pretty average game and just because there’s a bunch of gamers who’s first RPG was FFVII doesn’t mean it’s a perfect game. That just means you have a bunch of numbskulls in love with one of the weakest games in your FF series.

UPDATE: I guess this game came out 3 years ago in Japan so this isn’t new at all…which makes me question the validity of Kotaku’s information when they post on “new” games like this. My apologies for sounding like this was a new development but it doesn’t change my opinion on the title: It is/was a stupid idea.

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children [DVD] Review

Over a decade ago, Square released what many gamers call the best RPG of all time: Final Fantasy VII. I was never personally in that group of players but I did respect Square for creating such an industry-changing title, even though the game fell short compared to its predecessors, Final Fantasy II & III on the SNES.

Well, flash forward to late 2005 and Square released a sequel of sorts in direct-to-video format called Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. It’s an interesting solution to a potentially expensive situation. Was it cheaper for Square just to make a movie sequel to Final Fantasy VII rather than build a game version instead? Or was it because they wanted fans to focus on the story rather than play a game that would never live up to VII’s standards? I personally think Square wanted the cheaper way out, but I no doubt believe any true ”game-based sequel” would have been considered a critical flop, just as the other FF VII titles have been. There are just too many FF VII fans out there that have spent over a decade building the game up as the ultimate RPG and perhaps Square knew the best way to finish the story would be not to divide the fanbase by releasing a true RPG sequel to it.

So anyways, what’s the movie all about? Is it enjoyable? Does it look great? Is it worth your time to watch?

Let’s get the most important question out of the way: Yes, if you have a chance to watch it, I would. The movie can be rented for cheap now (I got it for .99 cents at Blockbuster) and while the film won’t wow you in every way, any person who played FF VII and invested all that time playing it should spend another 90 minutes and see what happens after. It also is a great example of how game companies can wrap up stories that perhaps would be too expensive (or impractical/impossible altogether) to finish in a videogame sequel.

As for what the movie is about, I’m not going to lie to you: Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children feels a lot like your typical, generic japanese animé movie. There are crazy super-human characters that seem to defy the laws of physics. There are ultra-feminime male characters everywhere and since everyone seems to be leather-clad the awkwardness of some banter between them is odd. The editing is also very bizarre compared to American movies in that you see a lot of extreme far-away or close-up shots almost as if the director planned the movie as a 2D film and chose views that would save money in animating.

What FF VII:AC succeeds at doing though is making you feel as if you really were watching the story of FF VII unfold once again. By the end of the movie I cared about the characters and what was going on and that surprised me since I haven’t touched the game since 1997. I think Square effectively pulled this off by not kidding themselves when approaching turning the game into a movie. If you remember Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, you’ll remember how ridiculous and boring the movie was because it took itself way too seriously when the technology for CG-animation and the writing/dialogue simply weren’t up to par. FF VII:AC is nothing like Square’s first film because it tries to recreate the feeling of playing a video game rather than be some big Hollywood blockbuster.

For example, there’s a fight between Tifa and an enemy early on where the music actually changes to that of the FF Battle Music and while at first seems cheesy because you aren’t expecting it, by the end of the film, you welcome the nods to the game aspects of FF VII whenever they appear.

I guess the best way to describe FF VII:AC is that it isn’t really a movie but rather 90 minutes of Square cutscenes. The scenes never seem to flow together very well and the way the story develops is awkward at times. But one nice thing about resembling cutscenes instead of trying to be some “awesome, hyper-realistic” film like Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within is that you don’t take it too seriously. It’s as if Square began making the cutscenes to use as compliments to a game only to decide halfway through the cutscenes by themselves would make for a better experience overall.

As for the story, I can’t say it was “great”. However, It was pretty good and it did wrap up a few plot elements here and there. Advent Children starts two years after Sephiroth’s defeat and focuses on a disease affecting humans that is somehow related to Jenova/Gaia’s battle. Cloud & Tifa are living together raising orphans but they aren’t very close because Cloud still isn’t over Aeris’s death. Eventually a trio of mysterious Sephiroth-esque characters appear and kidnap all the children in Midgar affected by the disease in an attempt to resurrect Jenova (in the form of Sephiroth). As you can imagine, the story isn’t all that surprising or unexpected. I mean, who thought Sephiroth wouldn’t make an appearance!?! And don’t worry about spoilers because you’ll figure all this stuff out in the first ten  minutes of the film.

Like FF VII, Advent Children has WTF moments all over the place and you should just expect to be lost as to what’s going on and why. You really don’t want to think too hard on any character’s actions or dialogue because the movie (like FF VII) falls apart easily upon closer inspection. Another weird thing is that nearly all of the main characters randomly appear in one battle during the film and you just scratch your head like “huh?” – it was a move to satisfy fans but the appearance of Red XIII, Vincent, Barrett, Cid, Yufi and Cait Sith added nothing to the plot. Also, there seems to be a very big focus on Shinra’s Turks even though they were some of the most annoying characters in FF VII. 

But, at least the dialogue is okay this time around and the American voice actors did a great job compared to what I expected. Like I said, the storyline in FF VII and FF VII:AC isn’t that great, but you’ll still enjoy this film for other reasons.

If you enjoy Square’s setting and characters in the slightest, you’ll probably enjoy this movie. It won’t make a non-FF fan become one and it certainly won’t make a gamer who didn’t care for FF VII love it, but it does show us how any game with a story or characters you enjoy can be recreated and continued on in a film format without losing too much in the transition. I would love to see System Shock or Shenmue’s storyline come to a close like this if a true videogame sequel is just out of the question, so I have to give props to Square for pulling off something that on paper sounds too weird to work.

Rating: 6/10

Final Fantasy XI: The Vana’diel Collection [PC] Review

By the time I started playing Square Enix’s online RPG, it had already been out for nearly three years. The hype was all but gone and so were most of the players, thanks to World of Warcraft. Wanting to try my hand at what I thought might be a fun online game that was more realistic looking than WoW and also benefitted having Chocobos as elements in it, I happily plunked down $30 for the “Vana’diel Collection”.

Add-ons to MMORPGs usually do nothing for me – mainly because they are almost always exclusively for high level characters. It would be dozens if not hundreds of hours before I get to see any of the pretty screens on the box and who knows if I’d even like the game???

Installing FFXI was fairly painless (well, aside from the 2+ hr. patch/updating hassle you must sit through) but setting up the awkward app known as the “PlayOnline Viewer” was irritating. You have to enter codes for each game then you get a code back consisting of random letters and numbers, your PlayOnline ID. The PlayOnline viewer is basically a glorified log-in screen for FFXI, but Square Enix would like you to believe it will replace your e-mail and chat programs/service….which, I’m sure, NO one will use primarily. The whole “viewer” feels like it was made in Flash or Director and the cutesy, big-san-serif type/look gets irritating, very fast…..just let me play FFXI!

So now you are playing FFXI! And it looks….like crap. Wow. No graphics options anywhere in the game menu. Oh, the manual says I have to change the display preference in a file OUTSIDE of the game. Well, let’s log out. Okay. Oh, now we’re back at PlayOnline viewer. Damn. Let’s log out of that. Okay, let’s look for the utility….on your C:/ drive…in the FFXI folder….in MORE folders….gotcha. Okay, changed the preferences. Don’t know what some of the options mean, but okay. Back to FFXI. Okay, PlayOnline viewer. Okay…now back to FFXI. Okay, finally! We can start playing!

No I pick my character. Just one though, as each additional character costs approx. $1.00/month to keep. Fine, I’ll play as the sexy little elf girl. Customize time!!!!….okay….and this is it? Pick a face, a hair style and body size? That’s it!?! Fine, I’ll select option 1, option 2, option 1….or whatever. Just let me play the game!

So now I pick from 3 cities. I’ll try the castle first. Cool. I’m here. Oh, there’s some people. Oh, they’re talking. And talking. still…..talking. *Yawn* …..okay, here I go!

Where the hell am I? Okay, let’s get outside so I can fight monsters. I’m lost. This music kills my ears! Why is her head so tiny!?! I picked “small”…I thought that meant her WHOLE body, not just her noggin’! What’s up with this control setup? My mouse is all funky! Arrggghhh! Exit! Exit!

Let’s try a new character. Big beast creature….okay….let’s try the desert/mountain city this time. Okay….more people talking…let’s pay attention this time…boring, boring, boring…OKAY! I’m running through the city….this new keyboard layout works much better….mouse still sucks. Damn! This city is big too! Where’s the people? The music is much better here! Okay, there’s the exit
to the monsters….

And wow. Am I playing Panzer Dragoon Saga? Music, graphics, it all reminds me of that game! Wait a sec, nope…fighting a bee…this can’t be THAT game. Fighting another bee. And another. And another. I die. Back outside. Fighting a worm now. Back to a bee. Another worm. I die. Back outside. Another bee. Now, some “Ding Bats” (must have a wannabee-funny-typography-enemyname-designer on staff). *Yawn*….only at level 3? There’s a bridge! Holy crap, this crab thing is killing me! Whew. Barely beat him. Ohhhh…..cool….look, a humanoid monster. TWO of them. They see me! Crap! I die! AGAIN! THIS game….blows….I’m still not even to level 5 yet…and it’s been HOURS!

Get pissed. This game blows. Exit FFXI. Search PlayOnline Viewer. Where’s the ‘Cancel Membership’ button??? Have to track down PlayOnline ID #. Got it. Enter it in, cancel my Content ID. THANK GOD.

The frustrating to use, boring as heck game known as FFXI has been permanently killed on my end, with no Phoenix Downs nearby.

Graphics: 5 | Sound: 3 | Play Control: 5 | Fun Factor: 4 | Final Score: 43%

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles [Gamecube] Review

Ever since 1996, Nintendo fans have been desperately wanting Square to return their side in hopes that they would develop awesome RPGs comparable to Square’s magnificent gems of the mid 1990s – Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy III, Super Mario RPG, and Secret of Mana. Years passed and once Playstation proved itself to be the most popular system in the world (many believe Square and Enix supporting Sony was the reason behind the success of the system), it seemed like Square would never go back to making anything for Nintendo ever. In 2003, things changed. Square Enix announced that not only would they begin developing games for a Nintendo system again, but that their first console game would be none other than a Final Fantasy title. As expected, gamers everywhere rejoiced.

Then March 2004 came around…and gamers wept. You see, Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles isn’t necessarily a bad game…but it is so low of quality compared to the hype of what Square was making it up to be that it can’t be thought of as anything except a letdown. I was hoping this Final Fantasy game would play just like Secret of Mana only with beautiful graphics and CD-quality sound. However, FF:CC is more like Secret of Mana’s retarded, paralyzed cousin than anything else. I remember when Final Fantasy Mystic Quest was ripped a new one by the press in the early 1990s…and that was a game that at least tried to be like a RPG. Unlike most die hard RPG fanatics at the time, I really enjoyed Mystic Quest…I liked the simpler gameplay and interesting story…it was a nice compliment to the series. FF:CC doesn’t add anything to the series though. Really, if you took “Final Fantasy” out of the title no one would even attempt to play this game after five seconds. I think that gamers have been wanting a FF title to appear on their system for so long that anything – including this so-so game – would look like RPG gold (even though it isn’t an RPG!).

The graphics in FF:CC are nice and sometimes beautiful…but the majority of the time are average or forgettable. The music shares similarities with the graphics – at times it is amazing but more often than not – you’ll be wanting to hit the “Mute” button on your remote. (What is up with the overworld map music.!?!?!?..uuuggghhhh! My ears!) The play control is easy to learn but irritating to mess with. You are only allowed to assign so many items / spells / etc. to buttons at one time and because of this you will be constantly going back and forth through your inventory screens. Of course, once you pick up a healing spell you’re set for any given level. Without that single spell though the game would be much tougher – but for the wrong reasons. The gameplay is so simplistic anyone, given enough time, can beat FF:CC without using too much brainpower (…because the enemy AI is crap. You can beat everything in the game with the same attack from the same old sword practically!). I brought up the point of “enough time” in the last sentence because no one will probably stick with FF:CC long enough to beat the game due to its lack of anything resembling a story. The story (the most important part of any RPG) in FF:CC revolves around the player filling up a jug with magical water every year. That is it. Nothing more, ladies and gentlemen. That’s the whole ball o’ wax. Oh, you’ll see little cut scenes that are supposed to explain the story while travelling back and forth between levels and towns…but they are pointless and after awhile become a nuisance to sit through. In fact, all of FF:CC is pointless and a nuisance to sit through. I only played it for as long as I did (about 8 or 9 hours) because I was hoping something would all of a sudden change and FF:CC would finally become worthwhile.

Boy, was I disapointed. Oh, and while we’re on the subject of disappointment – the multiplayer / GBA connectivity thing is not worth a second of your time. In Multiplayer one person will carry around the chalice while the other people  that are playing get to have fun killing stuff. The whole Gameboy Advance 2nd screen deal adds nothing to gameplay except to show you where to find treasure that is useless or to display stats of enemies who can be easily killed with a sword attack.

People looking to find an updated version of Secret of Mana…or any decent Square game for that matter…will be extremely bored with Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles. It adds nothing to the FF series, it adds nothing to the genre, and it adds nothing to games whatsoever.

It is an average game with a big name that will be forgotten and won’t be missed. Boo Square.

Graphics: 6 | Sound: 5 | Play Control: 5 | Fun Factor: 4 | Final Score: 48%